Hollow
by whitereflections12
Summary: AU, set starting during the final battle in Eclipse. really, really, heavy angst on this one...NOT a happy piece. When you lose everything, sometimes life narrows down to an option you'd never have even looked at before. but you will, if it's all.


Alright, I warn you in advance, this is going to be _seriously_ depressing. I mean, seriously.

I intended to write the next chapter for To Love and Protect tonight, but couldn't for a couple of reasons. The most important one being that personally things are rather…depressing and confusing at the moment, and that frame of mind didn't mesh well with the next chapter I had in mind. This, on the other hand, was a terrible, terrible dream I had the other night…depressing as all hell. I had been considering writing it down, because maybe if I wrote it down then it could stop hanging at the back of my mind haunting just me, now it can haunt the rest of you too. lol

Anyway, the darkness of it suited my current mood so I figured now would be the time to write it.

Honestly, I'm warning you, this is depressing beyond depressing. I cried just thinking about writing it.

Alright, you've been sufficiently warned…moving on. This is AU, taking place beginning in the final battle of Eclipse.

EDIT: My stupid dividers didn't work...but it should be alright now.

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**Esme**

We had thought this would be easy. That was, at least, what Alice had seen, but we could not blame her that the vision had been incomplete. The pack was involved, and of course that complicated things. Of course.

She had been right, about some things. There were only 19 that came with the first wave. What she hadn't seen were the five that followed, older. Calmer. But of course she couldn't have seen them, they came in from the direction of the pack, the one place her vision was blocked. Almost as if they had known, but how could they have? How could they? It made no sense, and I didn't have time to think on it in any case.

There was time for nothing but action.

I have never been a fighter, not really. Not in the way the others are. I manage well enough times like now, when my family is threatened but this is not my inclination, to fight, to kill. Still, even with all of that considered, the one thing that is unmatched is my urge to protect. And hearing the sounds of a wolf in pain, I could never have been restrained. They needed aid, and everyone was caught up, locked in their own struggles. I could not, for the most part see who was winning. Except Jasper.

My son, my soldier. He had pulled his opponent back against the trunk of a tree with a loud crack, his teeth gleaming as they shot down for the newborn's neck. He excelled at this, and though I hated the necessity of it, I could not be more proud of him.

I saw as I ran past the one I kept my eyes on the most. My husband, my beloved Carlisle. He, too, had heard the cries, his head snapping up for an instant before returning to the young female he fought. My eyes raked over his body, taking inventory. No, he hadn't been hurt. Not a scratch. And if she wanted to die quickly, things would stay that way. There were things that could break even my hatred of violence, things our kind could never forgive. His eyes caught mine a fraction of a second, a million emotions in their depths, all of them hurried. Worry, understanding, pride, sorrow, anxiety…the list could have gone on but I passed him, ran into the trees.

I had my own battle to join, and besides, I would not serve as his distraction. He had to keep his mind on the task at hand.

I followed the sound of a strangled howl, burst into a small clearing to find…

My silent heart seemed to go even colder, even as I felt the heat of rage in my veins. Embry was on the ground, legs twitching uselessly, a vicious tear across his side showing his ribcage, white bone gleaming in the moonlight. Paul faced off against them now, five on one. I could only assume the others were busy, too busy to tear themselves away even to offer this much needed aid.

I fell into a crouch automatically, snarling, body launching through the air to barrel into the one closest to me, the one the farthest to Paul's right. I caught him accurately, from behind, as Jasper had taught me. I struck with as much speed as I could, intending to find his neck, to end this quick. My teeth found his shoulder instead, tearing away a chunk of skin but not doing the damage I had intended. He reached for me and I leaped back, landing easily on a tree root, balanced on my toes. He attacked blindly, blunderingly. Just as the first I had taken down this night had.

And I could have done it, could have had him, I believe, if he had been the only one. if it had not been five on two here in the dark, alone, with no other distractions. But as it was, that wasn't the case.

I felt the vibrations in the air behind me, tried desperately to dart out of the path of the lunge. The last thing I can remember is realizing dejectedly that I had done exactly what Jasper had said not to do, for the one that had come from behind had snapped his hands around my wrists. He had a hold on me, and he was a newborn. I would not be able to break it.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

**Carlisle**

"NO!"

I knew, I believe, the moment I heard him. Knew, but it didn't sink in then. How could it? My eyes snapped up, saw Jasper stumble. Jasper. He dropped the body he had been ripping apart, let the pieces fall from his hands. Fell to his knees, for a moment heedless of his defenses. My breath had stopped, hands frozen in a crushing grip around the arm of my own defeated foe. I barely had the presence of mind to toss that last piece on the fire before darting to his side, though I didn't reach him fast enough.

Almost faster than even my eyes could he sprung up and into motion, catching the last one not engaged in battle, a girl. She was trying to run, to flee, but he took no notice. Caught her easily, ripped her apart, more vicious than efficient. My eyes darted, frantic. Alice was there, on the other side of the meadow. And though I meant for the rest of my steps to take me to him, I was at the edge of the trees within a second.

Only to be stopped when he ran into me with the force of a train, arms locking mine around my back. "No, no, Carlise, no. No."

I could hear the sobs in his voice, fierce, almost delirious anger mingled with agony. My head snapped up and I knew then, knew beyond all doubt. I could see the smoke with my own eyes, a thin column rising over the trees. And it was there that my mind shut down. There was nothing, nothing but instinct. The desire to protect- no, I could not think avenge- my mate. I turned on him, snarling, but he was ready and he shoved me to the ground, almost driving my hands into the dirt.

"Carlise, no…no, you can't, you…no."

He meant well, truly. But I was beyond all sense of any kind. I twisted, snapped at him. That he hadn't been quite as prepared for and I caught his shoulder, teeth marking his skin. I didn't have the 

presence of mind to be horrified, but another instinct kicked in, that of protecting my son. It was just strong enough to make me release him, turn my eyes away from the painful mark I knew my venom would leave on his already scarred skin. I would be sorry, later. But there was nothing, nothing…nothing except getting away, and his strength, his hold was too much for me.

"I couldn't see…the wolves I couldn't…I couldn't…Carlisle…" I barely heard her, didn't acknowledge her. I fought him steadily still. Still not breathing, not feeling. For the grip he had should have hurt, I knew. But it didn't, nothing did.

There were other voices, but I didn't know to whom they belonged. I heard nothing, felt nothing, saw nothing but the smoke the continued to curl up to the sky, dark purple and black. Nothing, that is, until one voice broke through my haze. It was as broken as the others, and it would have been just as much in the background if not for the words it spoke. "Let him go."

The smoke seemed to have taken root in my eyes, and it took a moment to clear it. Edward. His hand was on Jasper's head, tangled in his hair in a way that was more reassuring than restraining. They both appeared to have aged a thousand years. "Edward, I can't. He…" His voice broke, and I could feel his head come to rest on my shoulder. Apparently, I had stopped struggling. Interesting, I hadn't felt it. "He shouldn't see…"

"But he has to. Let him go."

I should have thanked Edward, but the thoughts wouldn't come. The pressure on my arms ceased rather suddenly and I was running, searching…

Here.

And Jasper really shouldn't have worried. It wasn't as if there was a body to see. No, there never was. But there _was_ a difference. Here, I could look into Embry's eyes, see Paul's body stretched out limp on the ground. See Sam's eyes as he stood over him, nosing his still form, whining. But it was Embry's eyes that did it, because he was still alive. And whatever had happened here, he had seen it all. And the look there, the striking pity…

It was suddenly very real, and the numbness that had overtaken me washed away so suddenly that my knees buckled and I fell to the ground. I had never felt pain like this. There _was_ no pain other than this, nothing else deserving of the word. I could no longer remember the feel of the things I had called by this name in the past, not even the change. No. That pitiful fire I had felt in my veins, the thing I had once deemed horrific, it was nothing, nothing compared to this. I could not recall it, not it or a thousand other things. Not the moment I had left her, the first time when she was still just a girl. Not the moment Edward had left us, not even the moment with James when I had thought we might lose Bella. None of it hurt anymore, not now when I was finally realizing what it truly meant to be in pain.

I had never wished more fully that I did not have a soul than it that moment when it became more plain that ever that I did. It would not be possible to feel this, without a soul. For that very reason I wished fervently that Edward had been right. Oblivion, hell, whatever would have awaited us…anything would have been preferable. But no, I could feel my soul, could feel it more acutely than I would have ever dreamed. I could feel it being ripped from me from by force, being torn out. Not quick and easy, no. This was a slow tearing, overwhelming, unendurable. And I knew beyond all certainty that I could not survive this, I could not live like this. I could not.

The sound I heard then was unfamiliar, and it was awhile before I realized I was the one screaming. Fitting. It was haunting, rough, almost descriptive of one one-thousandth of the pain I felt.

"No, don't. He's not himself." Edward.

I had fallen forward at some point, curled into the dirt. Slowly I looked up, saw my son. His hands were on Jacob's shoulder, restraining him. There were tears in the wolf's fur, rolling down his muzzle. He saw my eyes on him, whined, lay down on his belly to stretch one paw toward me as far as he could. Edward had said I was not myself. And no, no I wasn't. But that wasn't a shock. I never would be.

And it was…easier than I had expected, coming to terms with the pain. Seeing Edward had reminded me, had given me the one escape from feeling that which was now all I could ever feel. Knowing that, it was surprisingly easy to force my hands to find purchase in the dirt, to push myself to stand. "Thank you, Jacob." Was that my voice? Well. Everything had changed. It only made sense that it change as well. I was not Carlisle, not anymore. No. Carlisle was the soul I was losing, this…this was a body, a shell. A prison. Carlisle was…hers. I could not think the name. Edward was watching me warily, eyes dark. Slowly, he released Jacob, let him ease forward to press his cold nose into my hand. I had thanked him, but I didn't know what else to say. Words were difficult. As if I were pulling them from some great distance, learning a language all over again. I felt his warm tongue on my hand, then, and I patted him absently. He was doing what he could, what he knew how. It wasn't his fault that there was nothing that could be done, no relief from this. Not even for a moment. I moved away, heading back toward home rather than the clearing. I needed money, and the car.

It wasn't long before he stopped me, his hand on my shoulder. "Carlisle…"

I looked into his eyes, surprised to see no pity. But of course. Of all of them, he was the only one to know the hell I found myself in. _You know, Edward. You know._

He swallowed hard, shut his eyes. "Yes. I remember." He wrapped his arms around me suddenly, his head against my shoulder. I could feel him breathing me in, remembering, memorizing. My arm came up of its own accord to fall across his shoulders. Instinct. He could say his goodbye, but he was the only one. The others…they would not let me go. "No. No they wouldn't." He shuddered, let out a long sigh. "But I can. And I will. I'll let you go." He released me as if it were the most painful thing he had ever done, his arms heavy. I knew better. There was something that had hurt him worse than this. He looked up, eyes boring into mine. "That doesn't mean that this isn't agony. That I don't want to behave every bit as irrationally as Jasper. That I don't want to cling to you, force you to stay. I do. I want those things more than I can say. But what I know that they don't is that it isn't that our love for you, or yours for us, means nothing. It's simply…" He shook his head, slow. "It's simply over."

Yes. Yes, exactly. It was over. "Tell them I love them." Yes, they needed to know that, of course. I wouldn't have them forget it. Not ever.

He nodded, one hand coming up to cover his eyes. "I will. And I won't…I'll do what I can, to keep them at bay here. Alice will be the hardest. Jasper is restraining her for me even now. And I know you don't want…well, they'll try to guilt you into it. And while losing…losing both of you _is_ almost more than we can bear I will tell them…" he sighed. "Well, I don't know. But I will do my best." Tell them that I was already gone, already lost. "Yes. I know."

And I was grateful that he understood. Not grateful that he had felt this, but that he had had the experience…that he could understand. Well. To some extent. For him, there had been a miracle. There was no miracle for me. And it was time to go. Alice would be coming. "Tell Jasper I'm sorry." And I was, for biting him. That was inexcusable. But then again, I hadn't even seen him. Not really. I took one step before he stopped me, his hand shooting out lightning quick to catch my arm.

"I love you."

That broke the monotonous tone of my thoughts a little. _Oh, my son. My Edward. I know. I know. _And I could think it, but he probably needed to hear it this one more time. "And I love you, Edward." Before he could say anything more, I pulled away.

He had held it together in front of me, but as I ran, I could hear his sobs. I tried not to think about them. Soon, I was certain the pain would come back in full force. Then I wouldn't even be able to remember that it hurt him to leave him behind.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

I was one of the first on the plane. It was the first flight I could catch to Rome, 5:15. I felt sick, nauseous. My hands shook slightly, and I knew that the control I had forced myself under would not last long. How could it? There was simply too much to hold back.

A young couple, newlyweds by the look of them, came in laughing, took the seats across the aisle from me. _God, help me_. Could I bear this? Them, so close?

"I can't wait to get off this plane." She was curled against his side, whispering into his ear.

He laughed warmly, slid an arm around her shoulders, dipped his head to press his lips to her neck. "We just got _on_ the plane. Have patience."

"Mm, but I don't. Love you."

My head fell into my hands, almost splitting with the agony. Of course, I shouldn't have been able to hear them. Not that seeing them wouldn't have been bad enough. But it was worse, hearing every word. A thousand times worse.

I had kept her out of my thoughts for the past few hours, had forced those memories at bay. Not any longer. The pain was wearing on me, I was too weak now, and it crashed back to me with dizzying suddenness.

Her first plane ride, 1955.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

_She was pressed against the window, eyes sparkling down at the grey clouds below. I could feel her hand in mind, squeezing tighter. "Look! Look at them, Carlisle." _

_I leaned over her, pressed against her, looked out and down at the perfect V of Canadian geese flying somewhere below our wings. She looked like a little girl again, so happy, so fascinated. I smiled, kissed her forehead. "Yes. Going north, just like us." _

_She rubbed her thumb across my wrist absently, smiling a little more shyly. "You know I'm really excited. I've never been to Canada." _

_I sat back, fixed her with the look that I knew from experience made her melt. "Is that __**all**__ you're excited about ?" _

"_Carlisle!" Her voice was a whisper, mock shocked. She smiled, though, and I knew she didn't really care. She was, of course, just as excited about this trip as I was. A second honeymoon, two weeks away from everyone. It wasn't as if we spent any length of time apart at home, of course not. But this was still more private. As hard as Edward tried, nothing could REALLY be private around him. She looked up at me from under those long eyelashes, golden eyes simmering. And she accused me of giving her looks that took her breath. What did she think she did to me? She slid closer to me, her _

_lips brushing my jaw. "Of course I'm excited. I get two weeks alone with you. It's a shame, really…doubt I'll see much of the country." _

_I swallowed, tried to focus on anything but her breath on my skin. This wasn't the time, this certainly wasn't the place. "Well, if you'd rather, we could-"_

_She hit my arm playfully, faster than human eyes could see. "Very funny, mister." _

_I chuckled, stroked her cheek. "I love you." _

"_I know. Though I'll never understand where that stroke of good fortune came from." _

I pulled myself out of the memory with some difficulty, head spinning. If I had felt sick before, it was nothing to what I felt now. My hands were shaking almost uncontrollably and I clenched them, forced them to still.

"Are you alright?"

My head jerked up, eyes falling on the man next to me. I could see clouds rushing by. I really had been out of things. Apparantly we were in the air now. I nodded, slow and measured. Was I alright? Yes, yes I was fine. Perfectly, perfectly horrifically fine. "Yes. I'm fine."

"You didn't look to good for a minute there, are you sure?"

No. "Yes."

"So, where are you headed?" The man was young, friendly. I had never had a problem with small talk, had rather enjoyed it. At the moment, I wished only that he would shut up.

"Volterra."

"Never heard of it, though I'm sure I should have." He grinned, shrugged. "Never paid as much attention as I should have in school, I guess. Business trip?"

"Visiting some old friends." Some very old friends, who owed me this mercy at least. At least, that's how I would phrase it to Aro.

"I'm going to Venice, myself. Most people don't travel alone on their senior spring break but I wanted to get out, see some of the world, you know?"

"Mm." _Please, please for the love of all that's holy, be quiet._ The last thing I felt ready to bear was sane conversation. He looked like he was thinking over another question, and I grasped my only way out of the mindless answering. "I guess I don't really feel so well, just tired I think. Think I'll try to sleep for a bit."

He nodded, reaching up to turn out our light. "Yeah, you really look like you could use the rest."

Ha. Rest. I stretched back, closed my eyes, became completely immobile but for the movements of my chest with every breath. Of course, this had its problems too, as I'd known it would. Once her face had broken through the wall I had hurriedly slammed up, there would be no putting it back. No, and I didn't even really want to. Yes, it hurt worse, thinking of her. But I also grasped at it like a drug, like morphine. There had been a moment when I had almost really felt her breath on my skin. Delusional or not, it was as close as I could get, now. No matter how it hurt, I would be hurting either way…and I would take this worse pain, to get away from his stupid questions. And to see her face.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"_Dr. Cullen?"_

_I didn't look up, my eyes still focused on paper before me. "Yes, just a moment. As soon as I finish this form."_

"_I…I'm sorry to bother you, , but someone's here to see you. Your wife, she says its important." _

_That broke my trance. I looked up, saw one of the new nurses, Elsa. She looked positively mortified to be interrupting me. I smiled warmly, did my best to put her at ease. "Thank you, you were right to stop me. Please, send her in." _

_Elsa stepped aside, and __**she**__ wasn't even in the door before I knew something was drastically wrong. I was at her side with inhuman speed, arms wrapping around her waist. "Esme?"_

_She buried her face in my shoulder, hands gripping the lapels of my lab coat. Her shoulders were shaking with sobs and my terror was rising. The desire to protect her, to fix whatever troubled her was almost overwhelming. _

"_Esme, please, tell me what's happened." Had her parents died? It was entirely possible, they were aging, now. That would, understandably, be very upsetting. _

_Her body shuddered and I pulled her even tighter, wishing I could somehow shield her from the pain. "It's…it's Edward. He's gone." _

_I had never felt colder in all my centuries of life. Reeling, I leaned back against my desk, my arms still around her. No, no, no. "Edward…why?" My whisper sounded defeated even to my own ears. But he wasn't around to answer of course, and I knew the answer anyway. I knew the times we had fought, debated. The times he had asserted that with his abilities, his thirst should not be contained. _

"_He left a letter. He was tired of the restrictions. He didn't want to tell us goodbye, because he didn't want to hurt us. Or, rather to watch it…he has to know it hurts anyway."_

_Of course he did, he was smart enough to know that. She was right, certainly. He didn't want to see exactly what he was doing. Every hard decision was easier when you didn't have to watch the aftermath. Oh, Edward… "Did he…where is he going?"_

"_He doesn't know." She snaked her arms around my neck, pressed her face into my skin. "He said he loves us, still. That it was hard to leave, but that he couldn't stay." _

_The agony was overwhelming, heavy. I wanted to scream, to lash out, to feel my body racked with my own sobs. But I could do that later, on my own time. I ran my fingers through her hair, kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry you had to find that alone. I should have been with you." _

"_I'm frightened. I…" She pulled back, looked into my eyes. Hers were filled with more than enough sorrow to make my chest ache. "What if we never see him again? What if something happens to him? Carlisle…"_

"_Shh….hush now, don't talk like that." I forced a smile, hoped it was genuine. "He is young. Rebellious. He'll come home." Please, please, Edward come home. I love you, son. Please, please come back to us. Even though he was probably too far gone by now to hear, I thought the plea anyway, just in case. "I know he will. He'll come home." _

_''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''_

"_Isn't it magnificent?"_

_I leaned back on the hood of the car, arms crossed over my chest. The house was three stories, certainly large enough. Wrap around porch. I could hear a river nearby, and the field behind it was certainly lovely. But the house itself was a disaster area, all chipped paint and rotting wood. "It's falling in."_

_Her eyes sparkled as she darted in front of me, ran a hand lovingly over one of the broken banisters on the porch. "it just needs a little care, that's all. It's old and beautiful. It has character." _

"_it probably has rats, too." I smirked, only teasing her. If she wanted this broken down old house, it was hers. Whatever made her happy. _

_She flitted back over to me, her hands falling to my waist. "Carlisle, please? I want to fix it, I want to do this. Can't you see it, our family here?" She gestured out at the house, the field. "And there's room for more just…just in case." She looked up at me, pleaded with her eyes. Completely unnecessary. _

_Still, I unashamedly milked her for a little more. "We can afford something in one piece, you know. A doctor's pay is actually rather good." _

"_Carlisle…" She slid her hands under my shirt, up my back. I could have purred it felt so good. Yes, this was worth teasing her a little. Get her to pull out __**all**__ her methods of persuasion. "Please?" _

_I chuckled warmly, uncrossed my arms to slide them around her. "My dear, I would have given it to you without the begging. You only ever need to tell me what you want. I admit, however, this is more fun, so feel free to continue." _

"_Really? We can buy it?"_

"_Really. I'll talk to someone tomorrow. It's yours." Anything she ever wanted would be hers. She should have realized that a long time ago. I could never refuse her anything that made her smile._

_She laughed, took my hand in hers and danced backward, pulling me toward the house. "Come on. I want to show you the inside." _

_I followed her, stepped lightly on the broken boards of the porch, over the threshold and into an entrance hall that was once probably grand, now with a large hole in the center of the floor. There was a small tree growing out of it. Charming, in its own way, but I knew she wouldn't leave it there. "Well, we know pretty much everything needs replacing. We'll have to put in orders for plenty of new beams." And paint. And furniture. And who knew what else. Not that it mattered, of course. That was the part she loved, the fixing. _

_She was still tugging on my hand, pulling me forward. "Come on. I want to show you what I have in mind." _

_She faced a broken down staircase and the back wall, and I stepped up behind her, wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her back to my chest, my head resting on her shoulder. "Alright, love. What are you seeing?"_

"_I want to take down the whole back wall, put in windows. I want to let in the sun, as much of it as possible. We can have shades, of course, for when we need them…something sturdy, but I haven't worked that out yet. The windows, though, I really want those." _

"_Mm, sounds nice." I turned my head to kiss her neck, taste her skin. My Esme, always so industrious. _

"_And the staircase, it had to have been beautiful, but I want to make it better, wider. Something nice and decretive for the banister, but not too much. I have some older styles in mind but I'll have to look at a few more before I'm certain."_

"_Of course." I nuzzled against her hair, hands sliding up and under her shirt to rest over her ribs. _

"_And Edward can put his piano over there, right off of the entrance…and I know you're not paying attention, Carlisle." _

_I stopped in the process of kissing every inch of skin from her neck to her shoulder, chuckled softly against her skin. "Of course I was listening. We can put Edward's piano by the door, so you can put __**him**__ on display. I know how you love showing off his talent." Not that there was a problem with that. She was proud of her son's accomplishments, as was I. He was a fine composer. I slid my hands farther, rubbed my thumbs across bare skin. "And what do you have in mind for our room?"_

_She let her head fall back against my shoulder, giving me better access to her neck. I watched, mesmerized at the way her chest rose and fell with every breath. "I don't know for sure yet. You can help me with that. I want a big bed though…a canopy one." _

"_Oh I have some ideas for that." _

_Her breath hitched, her hand coming up behind me to tangle her fingers in my hair. "You do?"_

"_Oh yes. I could show you what I have in mind. See if you approve."_

"_Oh I approve." _

"_Good. Then let me show you…"_

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"_Well hello, stranger." _

_I sighed, dropped my bag into the nearest chair. "I'm sorry." Her back was still to me, and I had no way of knowing if she was really angry at me. Honestly, I wouldn't have blamed her. Granted, it wasn't my fault that the train wreck had taken place on our anniversary, not my fault that there were so many wounded. I suppose it could have been said it was still my fault that I had stayed, but what else could I have done, really? I was a doctor, it was my duty. But I knew, also, that I had duties to my wife…duties I should have been here to fulfill. Except that now it was 2 AM, the day after no less. Hesitantly, I slid my coat from my shoulders, let it drop behind me. "I'm so sorry." _

"_It's alright."_

_Damn it, she still wasn't facing me. More than a little afraid I stepped up behind her, touched her reluctantly for the first time in my life. "I'm sorry if I hurt you." _

_She looked up at me-__**finally**__-and smiled, softly. "It's alright. Really, I understand. Your duty comes first. I know this, I've been a doctor's wife for a very long time now." _

_All the same, I had hurt her, even if it was only a little. I could see it in her eyes. I dipped my head, didn't have to work very hard to look appropriately, thoroughly sorry. "Forgive me?"_

"_There's nothing to forgive." She tilted her head back for a kiss then, and I took the opportunity, kissed her exceedingly gently. She was so precious to me, and that was something she could never be allowed to forget. _

_I moved closer, my hand falling to the desk before her…and coming to rest on a pencil. I drew back a little, just enough to look down at the drawing. A necklace, a very pretty one. "Designing?"_

"_Yes. For Rosalie, for Christmas. Do you like it? I'm thinking of changing the arrangement of the pieces on the sides of the main stone, but I sort of like it this way too." _

_There was room in the center for a large stone, one that Esme had marked as an emerald. Yes, Rosalie would like it very much. "Yes, she'll love it. Wonderful idea." I took her shoulders in my hands, twirled her chair to make her face me. "Which reminds me. Your present." _

"_I have a present?" She was truly smiling now, teasing me. I could see the excitement there as well._

"_And what sort of husband do you think I am? No, don't answer that I suppose. Of course you-"_

_But she cut me off, her small fingers covering my lips, her eyes troubled. "Don't say that. You're…you're my Carlisle. Don't ever say that." She took my face in her hands, all tenderness. "I can tell you what kind of husband you are. You're perfect." _

"_Exaggeration."_

"_Truth."_

"_Do you want to hear your present?" _

_She pulled me forward to stand between her legs, wrapped them around me, pulled me down for a kiss that was almost enough to make me forget where this conversation was going. "Yes. Alright, __**now**__ I want to hear my present." _

_I frantically grasped for my focus. What had I been about to say? I could still taste her on my lips… Ah, yes of course. Her present. But to get that, I had to step out of her warm embrace, something I very much didn't want to do. Still, necessary, I supposed. I kissed her palm, pulled away to reach back and pull my jacket up from the floor, slide an envelope from the pocket. Smiling, I pressed it into her hand. "Happy Anniversary. 50 years."_

_She slid her fingers across the envelope, feeling it first. "What is it?"_

"_You'll find out when you open it."_

_She opened it carefully, slowly easing the paper apart to shuffle the contents into her hand. I knew when she had read it by the way her hands fingers clutched the paper, her eyes widening. "You didn't."_

"_I did."_

"_How??"_

"_Ah, you never ask how with presents." _

"_An island??"_

"_Yes." Yes, an island. We needed something private, something…ours. Edward had suggested a vacation home, as was the trend these days. Of course, I had taken the term 'vacation home' rather loosely…this was more like our own mini continent. Still, only the best for her. _

_She dropped the papers, threw her arms around me. "Thank you. It's….I can't even…." She laughed, hugged me tighter. "It's incredible. Absolutely incredible." _

"_I'm so happy you like it." I had thought she would, but this was what had it had all been about. Seeing the joy in her eyes, always knowing that we had somewhere to go to be alone. I was so glad that this had made her happy. When I looked at her again, though, her eyes were heavy with sadness, and in one move I had taken her face in my hands. "Esme?"_

"_My present for you is nothing like this." She looked down, eyes almost closed. "I wish it was. I wish I could give you something this…this good." _

"_Esme. Look at me." I forced her to, hands on either side of her head. "I have before me everything I could have ever dreamed of wanting. Anything you give me is a treasure, certainly. But the greatest treasure is the one I somehow already hold…I have you, and I want for nothing." And it was true, entirely. I had desired nothing since the day God had given her to me. I would never desire anything again._

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

_I pulled her through the door only to push her back up against it, my lips instantly melding with hers, my hands on the back of her dress. When I spoke my words came out breathless, and I could hear the deeper tone in my own voice. Desire. "You looked positively stunning in this dress." Feverishly I kissed the hollow of her throat, her bare shoulder. "And now…" My fingers found the small buttons on the back, began to work them open. "I can't wait to see how ravishing you look without it." _

_She was trembling, holding me to her desperately. She tugged at the sleeves of my jacket, insistent. "Take your jacket off." So adorably annoyed. I complied, shrugged it to the floor. Did one better by shrugging out of my dress shirt as well, not caring where it landed when I tossed it. Her hands were instantly on my chest, her eyes devouring me with a wide eyed hunger. I was very glad I couldn't blush, because it would have been hard not to under her open scrutiny. Though, clearly, what she saw was to her liking. Her tongue flicked out, licking her lips. I shivered, groaned. Could I truly be that desirable in her eyes? _

_I captured her in another kiss, looser, more heated. "You were positively radiant, you know. incredible." _

"_You're biased."_

"_Perhaps." I continued down her back with the buttons, thumbs trailing across the skin I exposed as I did so. "But there wasn't a man in the room that could keep his eyes off you, except for Edward. And none of them are biased." I growled at the memory, pressed her harder into the door. "But I wish they hadn't been looking, they had no right. You're mine." Mine, all mine now. Forever. The thought of that was more heady, more alluring that I had ever realized before today. This beautiful creature was bound to me for all eternity, and I had not felt the proper awe of it until I had heard her say the words in church. _

"_So I'm yours now?" Her voice was light, teasing, but still a little breathless. _

_I grinned, pulled her left hand up to kiss it. "Yes. All mine. Trust me, I remember that part of it very well…" I nuzzled against her, lips against her ear. "I, Carlisle take you, Esme, to have and to hold from this day forward…"_

_She held me to her, hands roaming over my bare back. "Till death do us part?"_

"_No. No, nothing will part us. Not ever." I felt safe to say it, more than safe. Right. I could imagine no force on earth that could rip this woman from my arms, nothing from which our love would be at risk. "You are mine for all eternity."_

"_I like the sound of that." Her questing hands slid lower, came back around front to find the buckle on my belt. _

_I swallowed nervously, pressed my palm against the cool metal of the door in order to find some sort of stabilizing surface, some clarity. I struggled for a moment before I could bring forth any words. "I ah…suppose I should tell you I…I've never done this before." __**And I'm nervous, Esme. I'm terrified. **_

_Her hands stilled at my waist and she nuzzled against me, kissed my cheek. "That's alright. That's…wonderful." I could feel a slight change in her then, something in the tenseness of her muscles, maybe… "Carlisle, I'm so sorry I-"_

_I stopped her, my hand covering her mouth. "Don't. Don't say that. I don't want to hear you say that." My voice was a little more dangerous than I had expected, but this was a subject I didn't want to discuss. Especially not today. Hearing her blame herself for having been with that monster would only make me sick. "You were never his, not really. That implies a level of a choice. You are mine, mine because you wanted to be. That's what matters." _

_She nodded, eyes still a little downcast. "Of course. I can't help but wish that-" She cut herself off that time, likely as she realized in some way how my heart had ached at her words. To hear her wish that I had been her first, something that I wished more than anything already on my own. But to hear it from her! "But you're right. It's you that I belong to. You I have always belonged to." She kissed me, long and sure, and I could feel her hands moving again, deftly sliding my belt from the loops and dropping it to the floor. One hand slipped lower, and if I had had a beating heart, it would have been pounding in my chest. I had never in all my life been so nervous. As if she could read my mind she smiled, rested her forehead against mine. "Don't be nervous. It's alright." _

_We came together then, bodies flush against one another against the door, my hands returning to their job of working her dress off and down…._

"Hey."

My eyes snapped open to see the young boy standing over me, his hand resting on my shoulder. He removed it, slowly.

"Sorry. We're here."

I forced back to the torrential pain, the anguish inside of me that screamed louder than ever at this moment. I had allowed myself to slip so fully into my daydreams they had almost seemed real by the time I reached the last one. It would have been nice to spend just a little longer in her arms. That last memory had been a particularly dear one. But of course they all were, in their own way. And I could remember every moment of our lives.

I raised my seat forward, rubbed my eyes as if to clear the images from them. I didn't trust myself to stand up, certainly not to speak. Something inside me was still wailing uncontrollably at this new loss, even though it had been a virtual one. I could feel it, part of me clawing at my skin from the inside out in its desire to get to her. Or at least, I was certain I could feel it. There was always the option that I was going mad.

I took a deep breath, pulled myself together just enough to rise. _Just a little longer. You can make it just a little longer. It's not far, now._

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

It really hadn't taken very long to get here, not at all. Not in hours, minutes at least. It had felt, on the other hand, like a thousand years. Far longer than I had been alive yet, that was how much time I felt had passed. All of it almost unbearable agony. I should not still be alive, if there were any way for us to die of natural causes. I had found myself wishing again and again it would be as simple as having my heart stop. But of course, it couldn't be that easy.

"Ah, my love, my friend! Stregoni benefici! My dear Carlisle, what brings you to our fair city?" Aro was all smiles, arms spread wide as he walked forward to meet me.

I looked up, watched him falter as he saw my eyes. I wondered, briefly, what he saw there. I only knew that how it felt. Like I was already burning on the inside. I held out my hand to him, beckoning him forward, begging him to take it. "Aro. Please."

And thank God he never needed much persuasion for this. He stepped forward, taking it eagerly. I shut my eyes against the onslaught, not that it helped. I was forced to watch the scene in the clearing again. My own memories within a memory, the plane ride. I did not even have the strength to be angry or embarrassed as he skimmed through those intensely personal moments. Let him look. As long as he gave me what I wanted, he could write a book for all I cared. He stepped back finally, eyes greatly saddened. "My friend, this is grave news indeed. Truly I tell you, we mourn your loss with you."

With me. Yes, wonderful load of help that is. "Thank you, Aro." And if you would have come sooner, sent aid sooner, this never would have happened. But no, I couldn't think that now. Not when he might take my hand again at any moment.

"Why if the attack had only come a little later…I had sent my dear Jane and Alec to take care of it for you, my friend." He shook his head, and his sorrow was well played. I wondered if he actually felt some of it. "Such a loss, such a dreadful loss." He turned to his comrades then, beckoned them forward. "Carlisle has a lost his beloved mate, my dear ones. We owe him our deepest sympathies."

"And I am grateful, Aro, but you owe me more than that. As a friend, someone who was your companion for many years….I ask this of you as a friend. You can end my suffering." _Please, please end it. I can't take anymore._

His face fell, mouth turning into a frown. "Carlisle…Carlisle, please, let us not be so drastic…Edward came to us with such a question a short while ago, and it was my understanding you opposed it then. Surely you can see that this decision is no more wise than his."

"It is. And I understand him now, but in any case, she was alive. There is no…" I flinched at the thought of saying her name, decided I could not bear it. "Nothing can fix this." I took a deep breath, cut off his other implication before he had time to phrase it differently and ask again. "And I know before you anticipated my retaliation, but there need be no more loss of life here. Edward leads the family now." And though there had been no spoken understand between us, I knew this to be true. We were not as rigid as the wolves about it, but we had our own order. He had been my second, my 'beta' if you will, for a very long time now. It was his rightful place, and he would take it. he would take care of them when I no longer could. "He understands, you saw as much in my mind. He will not seek revenge. The peace will not be broken."

He eased forward, arms open as if to draw me into them. I recoiled, though smoothly , evenly. I didn't want it to be too plain, but I didn't want him to touch me again. Regardless of what he might hear or not here, I had had enough. He sighed dramatically, shook his head. "it is too much of a waste, my friend. Far, far too much waste."

"I can't do it, Aro. I can't live. Not without her." And it was Marcus' eyes I found then, begging his understanding. He, I knew, had longed for death for many years now. He was their prisoner, but I didn't have to be. I could, perhaps, count on him.

He must have read something in my eyes, some form of the plea I was feeling for he stepped forward to take Aro's hand. "We must vote."

Caius shrugged, came forward to take Aro's other hand. "Sounds fair. We vote."

"Then I will vote first." Aro, of course. "I vote no. he is too dear to me, too important to us all."

No, too influential to want to lose. Sorry, Aro. I can't live for your convenience.

"And I vote yes. This is his decision." Marcus. I knew I could count on his vote. I wished that I could thank him.

And so it was down to Caius, and about him I was uncertain. We had never liked each other, not really, but there was no great hatred there. There was basic respect. He mulled it over, and I saw him tighten his grip on Aro's hand.

"Yes, he's telling the truth. Edward won't come after him, and he won't let the others." Aro said it reluctantly, as if unwilling to give that kind of information to Caius, to influence his vote.

Caius shrugged. "I see no practical threat if we don't comply, and his wish is his wish. If he is anything like his son he will force our hand anyway. We might as well get it over with."

It took me a moment to register, but when it broke through I felt strangely free. 2-1. I had won.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"I wish you'd reconsider, Carlisle."

"There's nothing to consider, Aro." And oh, how I wished there was. How jealous I was of Edward just then, of how his version of this story had ended. But I wasn't standing up in the shadows under the clock tower, and she would not come running to me here. Or anywhere.

He nodded grimly. "Very well. I will do what I must."

Despite how much I wanted this, I closed my eyes. No need to see it coming. And this way, I could see her as it happened. I didn't want to think about whether or not she would have approved, though for a moment the thought sprang in of its own accord. I swallowed, fought it back. _Please, Esme, you must forgive me this…I am only a man. I can only be so strong. This is something I cannot bear._

"It will be over quickly, I assure you. You'll hardly feel a thing."

"Alright. I'm ready." And I was. I had been since the morning before, since my existence had, in effect, ended. I was ready to make that ending official.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

There really was quite a lot of light. It stretched out before me, an almost liquid thing. I could feel it flowing over my skin in the strangest of ways….

And the voice that summoned me forward was not a voice I could hear, no. It was a feeling, a strange compulsion, yet I recognized it as Him at once. There was sorrow there, but welcome as well. for humans, this was typically not forgiven, taking ones own life. I had known this, before. what I hadn't known was the answer I felt now. He had created our kind, He knew us as no other did. For us, this was forgiven.

I had always known we were different about love, stronger somehow.

Yes, I could feel Him agree. I had it right. He had created us to be that way, for we lived so much longer. Our bonds must be strong enough to withstand those years. And it was a good, it was right. But our kind, we could not bear loss. We had never been meant to.

I stood, now, at the fringes of the light, facing into it. I felt the summoning again, the pull to step fully forward, to be enveloped in the light.

"Come, Carlisle." And _something_ that could not have been a heart leapt in my chest. My soul, perhaps? Perhaps. For I had my soul again, it was no longer being torn from me. The voice did not belong to the One I had felt, no. This was voice was infinitely more familiar, and it would have brought tears if it were possible to feel sorrow in this place.

As it was, I could feel nothing but pure joy.

"It's alright. Come to me, Carlisle." And somewhere in the light, I could see her hand held out to me, ready to shape to mine as it always was.

Taking it, I stepped fully into the light.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

To be fair, I did warn you that it was depressing.

See I had this dream where Carlisle was sitting on a plane, remembering things. And in the dream I just knew that she was dead, and that he had realized he could not live without her. then, I saw the scene of him standing before Aro, holding his hand out….and it's one of the clearest images I've ever remembered for a dream, because he looked so damn haunted and empty…and that Carlisle has been haunting me, and I figured if I wrote this down, maybe he'd give me some time off and go haunt some of you. : /

Poor, poor Carlisle….this is probably the most depressing thing I will _EVER_ write.


End file.
